Close to Home: A Self-Defense Incident’s Impact on Your Family

In my previous article published in the July issue of Concealed Carry Magazine (“The Second Fight,” Page 76), I discussed the psychological impact a person may experience in the aftermath of a self-defense incident. I touched on the “four circles” of individuals impacted during a shooting incident. But how does a self-defense incident negatively impact the lives of those closest to you?

Kids and the Internet

Our families are precious to us. That’s why it’s imperative that you have a conversation, likely more than one, setting rules for the kids centered around social media, school and friends. You might not have kids, but you may have nephews, nieces or friends with kids who come to you to vent about what their children are being exposed to on social media and are perplexed by how they can protect them from it.

Social media has drastically impacted the way in which we communicate, find resources and even look for a new place to eat. As a matter of fact, I found the USCCA on Facebook when the site’s algorithms identified me as someone who was interested in firearms. While I am glad it did, it’s quite scary knowing this kind of technology is out there.

One of the drawbacks of social media is that it allows people across the world to “find” us or our family members. Someone can easily locate your home address or even your child’s school. For a small fee, individuals can get your phone number, email address and other personal information.

Social media has drastically impacted the way in which we communicate, find resources and even look for a new place to eat. As a matter of fact, I found the USCCA on Facebook when the site’s algorithms identified me as someone who was interested in firearms.

We also know that kids as young as 4 years old spend time on social media. Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Frog, TikTok and Reddit are just some of these sites. You may not even be aware that your kids are visiting them, but they are — and that complicates matters.

There is an incredible gap between the people who believe in the Second Amendment and want to protect their families and those who believe guns should be taken from us and the Second Amendment should be removed from the U.S. Constitution. Unfortunately, the latter group has no problem harassing, stalking or threatening people from behind a computer screen. This can be quite unsettling to a mature adult. For a younger person, it’s horrifying. If you think that statement is a little melodramatic, think again.

Keyboard Villains

A 32-year-old man shot and wounded a person at an outdoor concert. The police ruled it a justifiable self-defense shooting, so no problem, right? Wrong. The man’s 9-year-old daughter, who had a Facebook account because she was active in 4H, became the target of horrible photos of dead and burned bodies, of cats hanged (she had a cat) and of messages saying that she was next because her dad was an [expletive deleted], calling him all kinds of names. Imagine how traumatic this was for the young girl.

In a similar instance, a 49-year-old man got into a physical altercation and, unfortunately, the man who instigated the fight was blinded in one eye as a result. Again, this incident was ruled justifiable self-defense. The wife of the man who defended himself had to sever all ties to social media. People she knew started posting unpleasant things, and others she hadn’t seen in decades tracked her down and began asking her inappropriate questions.

These are both real-life situations I dealt with in clinical practice, and the lesson is that there are individuals out there who will quickly hop onto social media platforms to express their opinions or anger. In some cases, these people can even make your family feel threatened or intimidated.

‘So What Do I Do If I Have to Defend Myself?’

You know your family best, so I will provide peer-reviewed guidelines for managing social media when it comes to your kids. After someone in the family is involved in a self-defense incident, it is strongly encouraged to tell children under the age of 15 to remove their accounts from the platforms where they have a presence for a to-be-determined period of time. This will likely be met with extreme resistance, but your top priority is keeping your family safe.

Most kids have a very high tolerance for exposure on social media, meaning they are happily sharing photos and information about their lives, school and so on in a way that most of us would never have done at their age. You will need to explain to them your logic, which is to keep them away from anyone who may say or do things that will upset them, including making threats or statements against them or their family. For the kids older than 16, a very frank conversation about the potential for problems is in order. Collaborate with them to make a decision about their social media presence.

Finally, as we see daily, the public has a very short attention span and will move on quickly, so it might be just a matter of weeks before your kids can get back to their normal social media lives.

Mitigating Issues at School

Another area where we need to have concern about our kids’ emotional and physical health is at school. There, your children are surrounded by peers, teachers, coaches and others who may have strong opinions about the incident. Your best course of action is to be proactive.

If possible, arrange an emergency meeting with the principal and any other staff (coaches, teachers, school counselor) and have a very frank discussion about your expectations that they remain neutral about the situation, work to manage any potential problems and continue to treat your kids the same way they have in the past. It is critical to communicate that you will not tolerate any fallout coming down on your children.

Finally, if you feel that it would be a good time to homeschool for a period, do so. Many people are moving to this model full-time, and there are countless guides and resources online. 

Friends and Parents of Friends

Children are very transparent about their intentions. Kids make friends and want to play, socialize and have fun. While they are not “little adults,” they seem often to be more logical and less judgmental of others than many adults are.

That said, there is the potential for the parents of other kids to have a reaction that flows down to cause disruption of your children’s friendships. Depending on your relationship with these people, you may or may not wish to intervene, but normally such matters resolve organically within a short time. Meanwhile, having open conversations with your kids about their feelings surrounding the changes in their social lives is a productive way to assist.

Communication Is Key

When children, regardless of age, experience pain, hurt, embarrassment or worry that is “caused” by a parent, be prepared for them to be angry with you, blame you for everything bad in their lives, act out, become more sullen than usual if they are adolescents and give you the silent treatment. On the other hand, some kids, especially the younger ones, may become very anxious and appear to be more “clingy.” They may experience nightmares and may not want you to leave the house.

So, what to do? Talk to your kids. If they are angry, let them be angry — but try to get them to talk about it. If they say they don’t want to talk about it, get them to talk about something else. Ask their opinions on a topic totally unrelated to the incident. Get them engaged on solving a problem not related to the incident. If any minor children have any difficulties for more than one month, consult a licensed therapist to see if some short-term problem-solving counseling will help them navigate such a difficult time.

Taking a Toll on Your Spouse or Significant Other

In all likelihood, most USCCA Members and Concealed Carry Magazine readers who are married or in relationships are coupled with like-minded people who won’t feel the need to debate on the “right and wrong” of self-defense. That does not, however, mean that you won’t experience a little seismic activity within your relationship in the wake of concealed carry and self-defense becoming far starker realities.

The majority of issues arise when the defender’s partner has an employer, friends or colleagues who are quick to voice their opinions. While an adult who carries is usually equipped to handle these confrontations, it may cause the other person in the relationship to think that even though it wasn’t something he or she was responsible for, he or she is unfairly in a position to have to shoulder some of the consequences. Open and clear conversations are, once again, critical. Both individuals are “allowed” to have emotional ups and downs during this time. It is just another part of the bigger picture that will organically move forward and lose steam.

Seeping Into the Workplace

In the event of a self-defense incident, you or your family members may find that some of your or their colleagues or co-workers have changed their behavior toward you or your loved ones. If that happens, ask the following questions:

• Is the behavior keeping me from doing my job? Have I lost support that I need to fulfill my responsibilities?
• Am I (or is a family member) being treated in a manner that is not consistent with employer-outlined ethics?
• Despite never having performance issues, have I been told my job might be in jeopardy?

If you find that actions are being taken against you that are worse than the occasional “side eye,” you may need to seek legal counsel. The USCCA has attorneys available, and even if they are not labor-law specialists, they can at minimum guide you in the right direction with how to handle this kind of treatment.

You’ll Get Through It

Like my previous article on the mental toll a self-defense incident takes on the defender, this article aims to help responsibly armed Americans prepare for the unthinkable. The USCCA encourages all of us to be prepared, which means not only to react appropriately if an incident occurs but also to then be ready to mitigate the aftermath. This includes not just you but also your family.

Remember: In the wake of a self-defense incident, they may well face their own struggles brought about by any number of outside forces. What’s important is understanding how to navigate through such a trying period and come out the other side no more worse for wear than absolutely necessary.