The End of Absolutely Everything!

Liberals love guns.

As it turns out, rich ultra-libs — especially celebrities and tech moguls — are apparently buying guns at record rates. Why? What’s gotten into them?

The Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists has set the “Doomsday Clock” 30 seconds closer to midnight, to leave it just 2½ minutes away from … Doom! Yep. Now that we have elected a man of the people as POTUS (albeit a billionaire property developer), ultra-libs are quaking in their proverbial boots and predicting The End of Absolutely Everything: nuclear war; an Extra-Terrestrial invasion; tsunamis, earthquakes and volcanoes in Climate Armageddon; and, lest we forget, Gozer the Destructor.

Yep, atomic scientists have officially thrown in the towel. As you read this, they’re probably giving away their possessions and chanting in California Zen retreats. And although they make their living in the nuclear world, they have decreed that The End of Absolutely Everything is at hand … almost as close as 1953 when both the U.S. and the U.S.S.R. (remember them?) were testing hydrogen bombs. In the most classic understatement of the year, Rachel Bronson, Executive Director and publisher of the Bulletin, said, “Make no mistake, this has been a difficult year.” A true rocket scientist, our Rachel, who blames our POTUS for everything from her foot fungus to exploding stars KSN 2011a and KSN 2011d.

“Facts are stubborn things,” said theoretical physicist Lawrence Krauss, “and they must be taken into account if the future of humanity is to be preserved.” Finding himself in the celebrity spotlight, Krauss apparently overlooked the “theoretical” half of his Arizona State University job description and the inconvenient truth that the “Doomsday Clock” is entirely a work of imaginative fiction.

Now, as it turns out, panicked snowflake members of the self-styled elite in Europe and America have set their watches to the “Doomsday Clock.” They are installing luxury bomb-proof underground survival bunkers, because they fear mass civil unrest is imminent. These shelters run from a paltry $35,000 for us Deplorables to more than $10 million for “the elite,” says builder Robert Vicino of the upscale bunker construction company Vivos. Shelters may be stocked with a year’s supply of food and water and equipped with blast-proof doors, air and waste filtration systems, perhaps a bowling alley and movie theatre if you have the money. And, of course, they’re stocked with firearms — the very ones this ultra-lib crowd wants to take away from you. But what would you expect at The End of Absolutely Everything?

Vicino said, “Bill Gates (remember him?) has huge shelters under every one of his homes, in Rancho Santa Fe and Washington. His head of security visited with us a couple years ago, and for these multibillionaires, a few million is nothing. It’s really just the newest form of insurance.”

It’s kind of nice that our liberal friends and neighbors are supporting Kimber and Mossberg and Nosler. Perhaps we’ll see them joining the NRA, carrying concealed, marching to the range and enrolling in self-defense classes. Perhaps we’ll see them at 3-Gun competitions or the trap range. Perhaps. More likely, they’ll end up marching into your house, armed to the teeth, and demand that you hand over your guns … just because they are “the elites” — B. Hussein Obama and Bill and Hill’s chums — and they know best at The End of Absolutely Everything.

Most likely, in the event of real civil disorder — as if Madonna and Chelsea Handler and Robert De Niro and Meryl Streep haven’t done enough to promote crime, hatred and incivility already — these people will hunker down behind their blast-proof doors and refuse to come out until you and I have done the dirty work, the hard work of clearing the streets of the trash. Most likely, if they ever handle a gun, they will shoot themselves in the foot … or kill some innocent bystander if they can figure out how to load it. Most likely they will then blame us; sue us, because the Doomsday Clock says it is The End of Absolutely Everything.

Liberals love guns — just not in your hands.

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